Okay, so you’re snowed in. You have so much snow in your driveway you’re thinking of putting it in the trunk, maybe stopping at your ma’s for some meatballs and gravy then dumping the snow somewhere upstate where it won’t be missed. You’re grumbling, you’re growling, feeling sorry for yourself.  Don’t lie, I see your twitters.
I say it’s time to take advantage of all the wonders winter has to offer, just like we do here in Minnesota. Hell, it’s not officially winter here until the first truck crashes through the ice.  Now before you say “I thought all you had were incredibly hot world-class lady skiers,” you should know that this not exactly true, we can’t all be Lindsey Vonn. Most of us can barely be George Wendt. But we do  tend to make the best of it, in fact we have so many wild and wonderful winter sports to choose from, there’s barely time for drinking!  So put your boots on and follow me!

SKIJORING
Pronounced “skee-YOR-ing,” or by a select few “She-Whoring.”  You should know we do this all the time in Minnesota, in fact on weekends the city streets are packed with horses wildly cantering while avid skijorers fly off the roofs of parked cars  and bus stops.  It’s a sport for anyone with a pair of skis and a horse, or a couple of dogs, or maybe in a pinch several cats. You might be able to pull this off with a well-organized train of highly motivated guinea pigs, and if you are please let us know and we’ll post your picture.

KITE-SKIING
Pronounced just as it sounds, this ultra-current sport replaces draft animals with a very large kite, the kind you might use to pop over waves in Australia, or perhaps drown under in Cancun. It’s not an easy sport, requiring a lot of skill and strangth, so think twice before casually “dabbling” in this or any sport that can cause your arms to rip out of their sockets.

WINTER CYCLING
If you enjoy looking like an ass, just put on all the clothes you own, wedge some very expensive studded knobby tires on your bicycle and get out there in traffic. Here in Minnesota we all know folks who resolutely endanger themselves and others on our increasingly slippery and narrow snow-bound streets, adamantly refusing to drive or even take the bus in any weather, opting to pretend they’re having fun as gallons of salty slush assault their backsides and their faces, all the while chanting their desperate mantra “this is good for the environment.” But they are not having fun, they are some of the planet’s most wretched creatures.  For me the comforting thought is that these are the same people who in the summer wear bright, heavily branded tights so thin and taut, every wrinkly detail of their genitalia is not only on display, but enhanced.

TRAYING
A close cousin of tubing, traying has been practiced on college campuses in northern climes for decades. The equipment is simple: a snowy hill and a cafeteria tray, and since the trayer is already essentially sliding downhill ass-first, there’s little risk of injury. And there’s that special pride in knowing that the next day, the tray which now holds your classmate’s pancakes just hours before held your own butt cheeks.

SKITCHING
If you’re stupid, you’re probably familiar with the nefarious act of skitching, which involves grabbing on to the back of a car on a snowy, icy street and skidding along on your feet as the car careens on, barely in control and without knowing that you’re back there. We cannot endorse this, primarily because it’s exceedingly dangerous, but also because it’s the kind of winter thing fans of Steve-O might engage in. It’s a good bet that anyone who routinely skitches also owns a Jagermeister six-bottle shot cooler and is fond of saying “whoo” as loudly as he can, indoors. So if you must skitch, we suggest you grab the back fender of the nearest winter cyclist and go for a ride. Remember to yell “whoo.”

ICE FISHING
Speaking of drinking, there’s perhaps no sport that for most people defines the Upper Midwest better than ice fishing. We need to broaden the definition of the word “sport” to include “sitting on your ass all day and leafing through the SI Swimsuit Edition,” but in fact it’s one of the few winter activities that can provide food.

SHOOTING AT THINGS
I’ve never quite understood the Winter Biathlon Olympic event, which combines cross-country skiing and shooting, and appears to wring the fun out of both. Minnesotans prefer to venture out into the deep woods in a Carhartt coverall and blast God’s creatures to pieces. There’s a season for every conceivable wild animal here short of rats, so grab your shotgun and leave your girly little skis at home.
There.  Now take ‘n’ get out there while the gettin’s good, you D.C. dwellers, you shivering Mid-Atlanticans. It won’t be long until the summer humidity causes your shirt to adhere to your back, and you’ll be looking back to this time saying “why didn’t I go skijoring when I had the chance?”

We’ve had one terrific year here at Rifftrax.  Lots of ups and downs, but mostly ups, what with lots of juicy, riffable movies and the unexpected triumph of our riff of Twilight. Our live appearances were all great fun: Comic-Con, Stone Brewery, Rifftrax Live in Nashville, the Shorts-stravaganza just a couple of weeks past. And helping us along, our talented guest Riffers like Joel McHale, Paul & Storm, Veronica Belmont, “Weird Al” Yankovic, Rich Lowtax Kyanka and Jonathan Coulton.

Plus fine Rifftrax Presents presenters like Janet Varney and Cole Stratton, Matt Sloan and Aaron Yoda from Blame Society, Jason Stephens, Matthew Eliot and that Guy with the Glasses. And all those smashing i-Riffs – keep ‘em coming, folks.

We happily acknowledge the formidable talents of writers Conor Lastowka and Sean Thomason, who help to make us far funnier that we really are.  Plus all the people who keep the Rifftrax machine humming: The incredibly hard-working Josh Gemma, mad genius David D. Martin, always affable Erik Peterson, plus Justin Blank, Jason Martin, Casey Tilli, Diana Buckley, certified wizard Barry Sandrew and the humble yet brilliant David G. Martin. Then there are friends and artists like sound wizard Rick Bowman and illustrator par excellence Len Peralta who have added so much to the funny. And of course along the way, bacon has always been close at hand.

But it all comes down to you, who come our shows, who download our riffs, who talk back to the screen just like we do and laugh at our stuff. It ought to go without saying that we can’t do it without you, but it needs to be said now and then, because we’re grateful, we’re humbled and we’ll do our damnedest to keep you laughing.

So stand up, take a bow, give yourselves a hand. Thanks, and Happy New Year from Rifftrax.

If you’re in the San Diego area, come see us at the California Center for the Arts in Escondido for our Christmas Shorts-stravaganza! We’ll be there, up on stage, on the 16th of December. There will be many suprises, one of which I’ll spoil. I will wrestle a bear while Kevin, dressed as a cowboy, saddles up a gorilla and rides him WHILE AT THE SAME TIME Bill performs his knife throwing act on Crispin Glover!* (”Weird Al” Yankovic will also be there.)

As a bonus, we WILL be wearing the shorts pictured above.

*May not actually occur.

http://www.ncm.com/Fathom/Comedy/RiffTrax_Xmas_Live.aspx

Well, OK, let’s have some official information about out new RiffTrax Live show!!!!!

Q: When?

A: Wednesday, 12/16 and an encore (rebroadcast) on Thursday 12/17 at 8:00pmET / 7:00pmCT / 6:00pmMT and 8:00pmPT (tape delay)

Q: Where?

A: Close to 500 movie theaters across the country. Find out your nearest theater and buy tickets by entering your zip code here

Q: Where is it being broadcast from?

A: The California Center for the Arts in Escondido.  Escondido is a few miles up the highway from RiffTrax HQ in San Diego, and is among other things, the home of the Stone Brewery where we show movies during the summer. It’s a great theater

Q: When do tickets go on sale for that show?

A: Sometime next week. Follow us on twitter for the up to date announcements about it: http://twitter.com/rifftrax

Q: We don’t want to use twitter because ________

A: It’s the best way to get this info. We’ll try to post here, but no guarantees.

Q: Weird Al!?!?!

A: We know! It’s going to be awesome. He’s guest riffing with us for the first time since Jurassic Park!!!

Q: What’s the program consist of ?

A: Shorts! Lots of them. And the vast majority of them are brand new! Most of them are completely bizarre things you’ve never seen before.

Q: Why is The Onion’s logo on the email?

A: Because they are sponsoring our show. Awesome, right?

Q: Why isn’t the show at my theater?

A: This is not our decision nor is it something we have control over. Please contact your local theater and ask them if they’re capable of showing Fathom Events. A few people were able to get theaters to add our last show just by reaching out to their theater managers.

Q: Why is this not available outside the US?

A: Again, not our decision, that’s just how the Fathom system works as of now.

Q: Why isn’t this LIVE on the west coast?

A: Because that would be at five PM and not many people would be able to make it.

Q: Do we need to buy tickets in advance?

A: Why not? Plenty of theaters sold out last time, why risk it?

Any other questions? Let us know!

Say, it’s been a while, whaddya say we check in with our old pal, freak-folk icon Devendra Banhart?  I say let’s do it!

…Okay. Well, that pretty much wraps up our visit with Devendra.  We’ll check in again in a year or so.